“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
- Brené Brown
In our world we’re told, constantly, to stay “positive and to keep on 'smiling'”, but how often do we stop and ask ourselves if an expectation of forced positivity is realistic—or even healthy? This need to be positive or to appear unbothered, especially when there is truly something to be bothered by, is becoming more ingrained in us than ever and is truly toxic. Social norms, influenced by society, encourage us to present idealized versions of our lives, often disconnecting us from our authentic selves; a pattern of pretending that can deeply affect personal fulfillment and relationships, one which creates a cycle where true emotions are buried for the sake of appearance.
The Core Issue: Pressure to “Keep Up” Appearances
Pretending to be constantly positive brings more weight to carry than it might seem. It’s not just about “faking it” for a day at work or smiling through a tough time—it’s about a cultural norm that teaches us to suppress any emotion that might be perceived as “negative”. Research shows this suppression, often amplified by social media, leads people to feel they must live up to a polished, highlight-reel version of themselves. Platforms filled with relationship, weight loss, vacation and career wins can encourage us to believe that showing messy, real emotions makes us vulnerable or less likable - and that these wins are what life is all about! But a constant filtering out of our true feelings creates a gap between who we actually are and what we project. Over time, this results in increased stress, anxiety, low self-esteem and even depression.
Think about a common stressful workday where we still feel compelled to appear upbeat. Smiling through challenges at work or declaring that we’re “fine” when friends ask might feel easier in the moment, but over time this practice takes a toll. Emotional honesty is not a weakness. But when it’s avoided, we can end up feeling isolated in our struggles.
The Impact of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity isn’t just an unrealistic mindset—it can be damaging to the relationships we hold dear. Instead of fostering support, toxic positivity shuts down a genuine connection by refusing to make space for challenge. Hearing phrases like, “Just look on the bright side!” when attempting to share a problem can feel invalidating. A “positive-only” response discourages authentic conversation and can create an atmosphere where only “good vibes” are allowed. Over time, people may stop sharing their challenges, leading to a loss of intimacy and trust.
Think of a well-meaning partner who responds to your expression of difficulties with a “Don’t worry, it’ll all work out. You're strong.” or a parent’s instinctive response to a child’s frustration with “Everything’s fine!” The words might seem comforting, but they can teach us that some emotions aren’t worth discussing, which in a child’s case can impact their emotional development.
How Pretending and Toxic Positivity Erect Barriers to Authentic Relationships
“Pretending” and “Toxic Positivity” both act as roadblocks to genuine connection. At work these behaviors can create an atmosphere where people feel pressured to “stay positive” at all costs, avoiding feedback or concerns in order to avoid being seen as negative. In family settings, false positivity becomes enforced, leading to surface-level interactions where meaningful issues that remain unaddressed can lead to disconnection and strained relationships.
When we prioritize an idealized version of ourselves, we sacrifice genuine connection and trust. Embracing a more balanced approach to emotions—where we make room for the full spectrum of human experiences—allows us to cultivate deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Building these habits requires a willingness to be vulnerable and to set aside the social “need” to be endlessly positive.
Shifting Toward Authenticity: A New Path Forward
Breaking the habit of pretending is no small feat, particularly in a society that rewards positivity. But embracing authenticity doesn’t mean abandoning joy; it simply means allowing room for the entire range of human experience. Here are some ways to begin embracing real connection over forced happiness:
- Cultivate Self-Awareness: Pause throughout the day to check in with yourself and identify how you’re really feeling. This practice will help you recognize whether you’re slipping into a “mask” of happiness, and allow you space to express yourself more genuinely with others.
- Validate, Don’t Minimize: When someone shares a concern, validate their feelings rather than brush them aside. A simple acknowledgment like “That sounds difficult” can create a more authentic, supportive connection.
- Invite Open Conversation: By encouraging dialogue around emotions—especially difficult emotions—you’ll create safe spaces where genuine connection thrives. Honest sharing will lead to mutual trust, making relationships more fulfilling for everyone involved.
- Set Boundaries Around Positivity: Positivity has its place, but it should never invalidate or ignore real challenges. Recognize when you’re falling into “positive-only” cheerleading and try shifting to a balanced, empathetic approach instead.
- Practice Empathy Over Solutions: When a friend, partner, or colleague expresses a struggle, resist the urge to “fix” things. Listen and allow space for their experience; validate their perspective instead of redirecting to positivity.
- Model Real Emotions: Show others that it’s okay to share struggles by doing so yourself. Opening up about challenges and failures normalizes the ups and downs of life, helping reduce the pressure to always appear perfect.
By embracing authenticity, we foster resilience, create healthier relationships, and experience a more complete sense of fulfillment. This shift won’t happen overnight, but each honest interaction can break down the culture of pretending, clearing the way for a more connected, compassionate world.
